So I'm irritable today. I'm still hyperfocused on finding this picture of my ex. Plus I'm extremely disappointed because I'm looking through old photos and I used to travel a TON! In one summer, I went to Nashville 2 times, Mexico, and Florida. This is the kind of energy I wish I could get back. I wish I could not focus on work so much or worry about spending too much money but actually go and do things that I enjoy.
At the beginning of this year, as a new year resolution, I decided that I was going to start taking little trips once a month in order to fuel this desire to travel. Well, it's now April, and I still haven't done anything. But I don't want to go somewhere this month because I'm supposed to do a family travel to Oklahoma at the end of the month. I'm going to try and do something for myself this month and do like a weekend getaway somewhere. Because honestly, I just need to get away and do something.
I did all the things that I challenged myself to do, vitamins, tea, making my bed, cleaning, brushing my teeth, and dishes in the sink. It was a pretty slow day at work. I realized in the first 3 hours, I probably asked my supervisor if she needed help with anything at least 10 times. If I ask this excessively, she knows that I'm bored and will try to give me more stuff to do. But when I was bored and there wasn’t anything additional to do, I kept trying to locate cheap places to go for the weekend to try.
I was feeling sad or down, maybe because I hurt my own feelings, I'm not really sure. I came across this saying that said “You need to hug someone 3 times a day in order to feel loved and appreciated”. Man, that hit me like a ton of bricks because I think I was hugged last December. Like I haven't been touched by anyone since December except for patients who might have grazed their hand on mine when I was giving them paperwork. So maybe that's why I felt so alone and sad and weird. I didnt want to accept the fact that I live 13 hours away from family and friends and have a hard time making quality friends where I am at.
So I did things that reminded me of home. I turned on some 90 country music and danced while it was slow at work. I reached out to a quality friend who is always there when I need her. We haven't chatted in a while so it was nice to catch up, though I do feel like I word vomited all over here and controlled the conversation. But she was kind enough to sit there and listen to me complain about life and the adventures I've been on. It was nice to actually see her face as well (Thank the LORD for facetime!).
I also didnt want to cook dinner so I ordered food from uber eats. I ordered something that reminded me of home. I ordered fried chicken, okra, biscuits, and mac and cheese. It was definitely a hardy meal that I wouldn't typically buy myself but it honestly hit the spot. It felt like a flashback to Wednesday nights after school eating with my brother before going to youth group that night.
I think it's important to understand the root of why you are feeling the way you are so that you can help solve the issues. I was feeling sad and not very put together but discover that it wasnt because of who I was or what I saw, but the lack of feeling loved. So I reached out to people that I love and did things that I loved in order to help boost my mood. This honestly gave me some confidence because once I discovered what was happening, I did things to help change the feeling of darkness and felt empowered that I had better control over my feelings and emotions than I initially thought I did.
Though I did spend the evening drinking tea and eating the friend batter off the chicken, I did still want to go on adventures, no matter how big or small it was. So I continued looking at vineyards and other trips that I could potentially go on for a long weekend.
Also, just a side note, that tea that I made last night, was the best one I've had so far. It was delicious.
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